A couple of months ago one of my colleagues (who was from ATLANTA and had blonde hair, and had come as a part of the onsite team to India) said - " Can I ask you a silly question?".
I said, ya, nothing new (in a lighter tone and thankfully he did not understand the sarcasm).
He said " Is it true you have animals wandering on the streets in your country?".
I said sarcastically, "Yes, we have 6 lane roads built for them only. There are no humans on the roads. Who told you this?".
I could sense he was a bit uneasy having asked such a question. To pacify and soothe him, I said – “see, people keep on saying things like that since the time "Slum dog millionaire" has been released. Don't take them too seriously. And you can always come to me to check the validity of what you have heard”
.
I agree we have cows on the streets sometimes but then cow is not an animal for 80% of the Indians. She is mother cow. We worship her. How can we ask her to step out of the road? (evil grin :P)
Jokes apart, a lot of people in this part of world need a training on Inter cultural skills. They have to understand that people are different, cultures are different. There are certain things which will never change, no matter how developed we will be.
Someone said "you have SIM cards cheaper than rice". I mean so what? Doesn't this shows our technological advancement in field of telecommunication. Name even a single country in this whole world which is at par with the kind of infrastructure and cost effective facilities we have when it comes to telecommunication.
Somebody else said "you have car loans cheaper than educational loans". So, isn't it self-explanatory? Haven't you studied demand and supply theory in economics? Higher the demand, costlier and lesser is the supply. We are a nation of 125 crores (I don't like using millions or billions, I like it in Indianised way) with above 50 percent of them between age of 1-40. No wonder if education is costly.
If you use common sense, there are valid reasons for things.
As one of my friend says, the time is not far when in 10 years 70 percent of world will be brown. I agree to that and I guess so do you.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
How To Crack HR Interviews (100 % Effective)
One question that really pisses me off is ‘what are your weaknesses?’ Why would I want to reveal my weaknesses? And what makes you think I’ve a weakness, let alone weaknesses? Can’t I be perfection personified? Every time I answer this question with, “Nothing. I’ve no weaknesses.” They give me a look of bemused disillusionment and they say “Nothing? Sure?” What is that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to have at least one weakness? Will you not hire me otherwise? Is this some company policy? I’m sorry Mr. #$%^@ we only hire people with weakness. We can’t take people who have no flaws. We are more interested in people who are good but do have something lacking. Thank you for your time.
Then they start to probe a little, “Are you sure you have nothing?” and they ask it in a very accusing way. Probably, if I say no at this point they’ll run a background check on me, find my weaknesses and then showcase it for the entire world to see while pointing and laughing. So I give in and list my weakness - “ I hate working”.
Following which they don’t hire me. If you didn’t want to hear then why did you ask me? What happened to appreciating honesty?
For those who don’t know it, the most appropriate answer to ‘what are your weaknesses?’ is – I’m a workaholic. If I was the interviewer I’d hire every *@%&# who said this and make him work 24 hours. You’re workaholic? Good job ! Do my work as well.
But this is not how interviewers react. They love this answer because it shows that the interviewee is a dumb, unable to think for himself, conformist who can be manipulated to do whatever the company wishes. This guy gets selected.
So what’s the secret to clearing HR interviews? You need only one talent - the ability to bullshit. Lie as much as you can. Having good grades is a plus point because good grades are synonymous to clear understanding and practical application of concepts. Grades have nothing to do with rote learning,
Interested in clearing HR interviews without being a total unimaginative prick? Your saviour is here! I’ve taken the liberty of compiling the best answers that will help you bag your dream job and I’m kind enough to let you read them for free. Remember use these only in interviews where you seriously want to get a job. Don’t waste them on some random shitty interview.
1. Can you tell me about yourself?
Ans. The piece of paper that you hold in your hand is called a résumé and in this case it’s my résumé. I was under the impression that someone hired to take my interview would have a skill-set that includes reading ability. Since, you are not able to read it I shall tell you about myself but there’s a catch.
Before I was born an angel appeared to my parents and told them that they would give birth to a prodigy, someone who’s perfect in everything. My parents were overjoyed. They informed everyone they knew. And then I was born.
When I was born they realized I was gifted with nothing. Inability to multiply without a calculator, inability to spell correctly, inability to speak more than one language and this was when I was 20 years old. Out of spite I took a vow. If I ever talk about myself to anyone, I’ll break into his house and eat everything he has kept in his refrigerator.
So, if I tell you about myself I’ll have to break into your house and empty your fridge. This may leave you on the brink of starvation. After which you won't give me this job, for obvious reasons. I mean who gives a job to someone who breaks into his house and eats everything stored in his fridge? I suggest it’s best if we ignore this question and move ahead as I really need this job to feed my family of one (just me).
2. What are your strengths?
Ans. Nothing. I was gifted with nothing. Why do you keep bringing this up?
3. What are your weaknesses?
Ans. Getting whacked in the head. Once I’m whacked I’m powerless for a minimum duration of 5 minutes. Once I was about to defeat superman after an epic battle that lasted for 10 days and 14 nights. Just as I was about to pin him down he whacked me in the head when the referee had his back turn. Kyptonian can’t play fair! I knew I shouldn’t have trusted an alien! I don’t think we need people like him on Earth. Earth is too crowded. Go back to Krypton. Wait, your planet got destroyed. HAHAHA! You’ve nowhere to go.
4. Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Ans. I’m afraid I can’t answer that because a long time ago, when I was having a casual conversation with a friend I remarked, looks like it’s going to rain tomorrow. When it didn’t rain the next day my friend was heart-broken. He felt I had lied to him. He then sued me for promising and not delivering. I lost a friend and a lot of money. I know we haven’t set foot on the journey that is friendship but I do see you as a prospective friend. If we do end up becoming friends and then my 5 year prediction doesn’t come true, I don’t want to go through the pain of losing you. I hope you’ll understand.
There have also been unconfirmed rumours that many HRs compile the answers given to this question and turn it into a book. They sell it by the title, ‘The world 5 years from now’. Gullible losers buy it hoping to know what the future holds for them. I don’t want my work to be used for such an act. Maybe, if I’m paid 70% of the profit I’ll give it a thought.
Then they start to probe a little, “Are you sure you have nothing?” and they ask it in a very accusing way. Probably, if I say no at this point they’ll run a background check on me, find my weaknesses and then showcase it for the entire world to see while pointing and laughing. So I give in and list my weakness - “ I hate working”.
Following which they don’t hire me. If you didn’t want to hear then why did you ask me? What happened to appreciating honesty?
For those who don’t know it, the most appropriate answer to ‘what are your weaknesses?’ is – I’m a workaholic. If I was the interviewer I’d hire every *@%&# who said this and make him work 24 hours. You’re workaholic? Good job ! Do my work as well.
But this is not how interviewers react. They love this answer because it shows that the interviewee is a dumb, unable to think for himself, conformist who can be manipulated to do whatever the company wishes. This guy gets selected.
So what’s the secret to clearing HR interviews? You need only one talent - the ability to bullshit. Lie as much as you can. Having good grades is a plus point because good grades are synonymous to clear understanding and practical application of concepts. Grades have nothing to do with rote learning,
Interested in clearing HR interviews without being a total unimaginative prick? Your saviour is here! I’ve taken the liberty of compiling the best answers that will help you bag your dream job and I’m kind enough to let you read them for free. Remember use these only in interviews where you seriously want to get a job. Don’t waste them on some random shitty interview.
1. Can you tell me about yourself?
Ans. The piece of paper that you hold in your hand is called a résumé and in this case it’s my résumé. I was under the impression that someone hired to take my interview would have a skill-set that includes reading ability. Since, you are not able to read it I shall tell you about myself but there’s a catch.
Before I was born an angel appeared to my parents and told them that they would give birth to a prodigy, someone who’s perfect in everything. My parents were overjoyed. They informed everyone they knew. And then I was born.
When I was born they realized I was gifted with nothing. Inability to multiply without a calculator, inability to spell correctly, inability to speak more than one language and this was when I was 20 years old. Out of spite I took a vow. If I ever talk about myself to anyone, I’ll break into his house and eat everything he has kept in his refrigerator.
So, if I tell you about myself I’ll have to break into your house and empty your fridge. This may leave you on the brink of starvation. After which you won't give me this job, for obvious reasons. I mean who gives a job to someone who breaks into his house and eats everything stored in his fridge? I suggest it’s best if we ignore this question and move ahead as I really need this job to feed my family of one (just me).
2. What are your strengths?
Ans. Nothing. I was gifted with nothing. Why do you keep bringing this up?
3. What are your weaknesses?
Ans. Getting whacked in the head. Once I’m whacked I’m powerless for a minimum duration of 5 minutes. Once I was about to defeat superman after an epic battle that lasted for 10 days and 14 nights. Just as I was about to pin him down he whacked me in the head when the referee had his back turn. Kyptonian can’t play fair! I knew I shouldn’t have trusted an alien! I don’t think we need people like him on Earth. Earth is too crowded. Go back to Krypton. Wait, your planet got destroyed. HAHAHA! You’ve nowhere to go.
4. Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Ans. I’m afraid I can’t answer that because a long time ago, when I was having a casual conversation with a friend I remarked, looks like it’s going to rain tomorrow. When it didn’t rain the next day my friend was heart-broken. He felt I had lied to him. He then sued me for promising and not delivering. I lost a friend and a lot of money. I know we haven’t set foot on the journey that is friendship but I do see you as a prospective friend. If we do end up becoming friends and then my 5 year prediction doesn’t come true, I don’t want to go through the pain of losing you. I hope you’ll understand.
There have also been unconfirmed rumours that many HRs compile the answers given to this question and turn it into a book. They sell it by the title, ‘The world 5 years from now’. Gullible losers buy it hoping to know what the future holds for them. I don’t want my work to be used for such an act. Maybe, if I’m paid 70% of the profit I’ll give it a thought.
Friday, July 23, 2010
PETA loves Auto Rickshaws....down with them.!!!
I’ve had it with getting rejected by these auto rickshaw wallas. They have countless ridiculous reasons to reject me faster than supermodels with famous footballers for boyfriends would, namely distance too small, auto rickshaw walla won’t get any passenger on his way back, etc. Also, thanks to everyone there are too many people and thus too many potential customers so these guys can treat us like citizens of a third world nation (read: dirt) and get away with it. Auto rickshaw wallas are the new Union Carbide. Everyday, I search for an empty rickshaw and ask “Will you go to XYZ place?” The punk doesn’t even look at me. He’ll look into oblivion like he’s on the brink of stumbling upon another kinematic equation that everyone else missed and he’ll nod his head in the negative. Too good to look at me, you condescending asshole? People will think lowly of you if you talk to me? He’ll probably go and tell his rickshaw buddies about me and laugh while sipping their special cutting chai. “He thought I would take him in my rickshaw for such a short distance! Yeah right! … many LoLs. “
Someone needs to tell these guys to take their three wheeler rat-ta-tat shit mobile and shove it because I’ve had it. I never complained about their pathetic taste in music. I’ve never felt that it’s their duty to take me to any destination that I wished to go. But this is truely ridiculous! For an entire week I’ve been walking, with either rain clouds looming right above my head like vultures about to piss all over my happiness or the sun turning me into a shade that can be best described as charcoal which is why I’ve decided to completely boycott rickshaws. I’m keeping the boycott rickshaws campaign open for anyone who wishes to join.
Technically, boycotting of rickshaws is for men. Women get rickshaws easily as long as they are attractive. Also, if women boycott rickshaws they’ll have to walk which they can’t because they are weak. For those who disagree to the previous fact here’s some logical proof - if they were not weak why would they have a reservation of seats in BEST buses and in schools and colleges. Reservation is for whimps. Can’t make it on your own, get the *&#$ out! Nonetheless, since I’m in a non-discriminating mood, I’m going to let women join this campaign but you are disqualified from bitching and moaning about how your legs hurt since you have to walk.
Now, the major question with the 'boycott auto rickshaws' campaign is -
“If we boycott rickshaws how are we going to travel?”
My first answer was horse carts. But PETA decided to ruin everything. PETA doesn’t want horses to pull horse carts. Here’s a questions, if horses don’t pull horse carts who’s going to pull them? And if you remove horses from horse carts you’ll have only carts left. That’s like a computer without a processor, dumbass. The damn thing is not going to pull itself. I don’t get why nature lovers should be against horses pulling carts. It’s better than cars. It doesn’t pollute the environment. It shows man and nature working in tandem. And horses don’t go on random city crippling strikes for an increase in fare charges. The do sprout a huge boner now and then but who doesn’t like boners! And every holy man from across religions has ridden horses. God wants horses to be ridden which he why he made them quadrupeds and he made us into fat slobs of slow moving laziness. Refusing to ride a horse is blasphemy. PETA WORSHIPS SATAN.
Someone needs to tell these guys to take their three wheeler rat-ta-tat shit mobile and shove it because I’ve had it. I never complained about their pathetic taste in music. I’ve never felt that it’s their duty to take me to any destination that I wished to go. But this is truely ridiculous! For an entire week I’ve been walking, with either rain clouds looming right above my head like vultures about to piss all over my happiness or the sun turning me into a shade that can be best described as charcoal which is why I’ve decided to completely boycott rickshaws. I’m keeping the boycott rickshaws campaign open for anyone who wishes to join.
Technically, boycotting of rickshaws is for men. Women get rickshaws easily as long as they are attractive. Also, if women boycott rickshaws they’ll have to walk which they can’t because they are weak. For those who disagree to the previous fact here’s some logical proof - if they were not weak why would they have a reservation of seats in BEST buses and in schools and colleges. Reservation is for whimps. Can’t make it on your own, get the *&#$ out! Nonetheless, since I’m in a non-discriminating mood, I’m going to let women join this campaign but you are disqualified from bitching and moaning about how your legs hurt since you have to walk.
Now, the major question with the 'boycott auto rickshaws' campaign is -
“If we boycott rickshaws how are we going to travel?”
My first answer was horse carts. But PETA decided to ruin everything. PETA doesn’t want horses to pull horse carts. Here’s a questions, if horses don’t pull horse carts who’s going to pull them? And if you remove horses from horse carts you’ll have only carts left. That’s like a computer without a processor, dumbass. The damn thing is not going to pull itself. I don’t get why nature lovers should be against horses pulling carts. It’s better than cars. It doesn’t pollute the environment. It shows man and nature working in tandem. And horses don’t go on random city crippling strikes for an increase in fare charges. The do sprout a huge boner now and then but who doesn’t like boners! And every holy man from across religions has ridden horses. God wants horses to be ridden which he why he made them quadrupeds and he made us into fat slobs of slow moving laziness. Refusing to ride a horse is blasphemy. PETA WORSHIPS SATAN.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Chronicles of detestable expatriates
Do you’ve any friends who’ve moved to USA for further studies? I don’t!. I deleted them from my friend list, photoshopped them out of my class pictures … out of spite. Don’t blame me for my drastic steps; I couldn’t stand them any longer.
I really couldn’t stand -
Their fake patriotism: I saw one of them wearing a T-shirt that said, “You can take the Indian out of India but not the India out of an Indian”. My eyes started to bleed and then the blood that came out started to bleed even more. There is a time and place for wearing a T-shirt like that, the time being never and the place being a coffin six feet under. What does ‘take the Indian out of India’ mean? Nobody forced you to take the GRE, apply to multiple universities, arrange your finances, dragged you to a visa interview and then threw your resisting ass into a plane headed for America. Unless you were abducted for the sole purpose of bonded labour and sold off as a slave, don’t wear that shirt. And if you do, I’m wearing a T-shirt that says, “You can be an Indian who can willingly fly out of India but you’ll still be the same asshole you used to be back home.”
Their fake homesickness: “Hey guyzzzzz I miss you all back in India”. Boohoo! You miss everyone? Then get the fuck back. I for one am not convinced about their homesickness. You want to convince me? I want pictures of you crying and I want videos of you walking around like a soulless zombie yearning for the day you’ll reach your hometown.
Their obvious bullshit: I know it’s been a few years since you’ve departed from your homeland and quite a few things have changed but unfortunately Halloween and Thanksgiving are still not celebrated in India. Surprised? Hell, so am I! How can two American festivals not be celebrated here? Since you’re too slow and it will take a few decades for the sarcasm to hit you, here’s a more direct approach - Don’t wish your ‘friends and family’ back in India Happy Halloween or Happy Thanksgiving. On their behalf, they don’t give a damn.
And incase you forgot, Independence Day is on the 15th of August. Every 4th of July I’m forced to witness a pretentious asshole saying, “Happy Independence Day to my friends and family back in India.” All the while when they were in India they sang the glory of their state, their language and their customs. Way to piss away all your traditions, asshole. Also, I don’t want to hear the term ‘back in India’. Everyone knows you’re in America. We got it from those status messages stating how you enjoyed your ‘first snow in New York’ and your pictures captioned with ‘My trip to the Grand Canyon’.
Their pictures of beaches: What’s it with beaches that makes them picture worthy? Land meets water… wow! Does everyone need to upload beach photos? You like beaches so much? GO TO GOA! What kind of a dumbass travels half way around the globe to see a beach when he can do the same at 10% of the cost. Another thing regarding beach photos – NOBODY WANTS TO SEE PICTURES OF BEACHES. I couldn’t stress on that enough. If I were desperate to see a beach within the constraints of a 1024x768 pixilated canvas, I’d google “beach pictures”. You know how much time I wasted? Damn this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)