Chronicles of detestable expatriates

Do you’ve any friends who’ve moved to USA for further studies? I don’t!. I deleted them from my friend list, photoshopped them out of my class pictures … out of spite. Don’t blame me for my drastic steps; I couldn’t stand them any longer.

I really couldn’t stand -

Their fake patriotism: I saw one of them wearing a T-shirt that said, “You can take the Indian out of India but not the India out of an Indian”. My eyes started to bleed and then the blood that came out started to bleed even more. There is a time and place for wearing a T-shirt like that, the time being never and the place being a coffin six feet under. What does ‘take the Indian out of India’ mean? Nobody forced you to take the GRE, apply to multiple universities, arrange your finances, dragged you to a visa interview and then threw your resisting ass into a plane headed for America. Unless you were abducted for the sole purpose of bonded labour and sold off as a slave, don’t wear that shirt. And if you do, I’m wearing a T-shirt that says, “You can be an Indian who can willingly fly out of India but you’ll still be the same asshole you used to be back home.”

Their fake homesickness: “Hey guyzzzzz I miss you all back in India”. Boohoo! You miss everyone? Then get the fuck back. I for one am not convinced about their homesickness. You want to convince me? I want pictures of you crying and I want videos of you walking around like a soulless zombie yearning for the day you’ll reach your hometown.

Their obvious bullshit: I know it’s been a few years since you’ve departed from your homeland and quite a few things have changed but unfortunately Halloween and Thanksgiving are still not celebrated in India. Surprised? Hell, so am I! How can two American festivals not be celebrated here? Since you’re too slow and it will take a few decades for the sarcasm to hit you, here’s a more direct approach - Don’t wish your ‘friends and family’ back in India Happy Halloween or Happy Thanksgiving. On their behalf, they don’t give a damn.

And incase you forgot, Independence Day is on the 15th of August. Every 4th of July I’m forced to witness a pretentious asshole saying, “Happy Independence Day to my friends and family back in India.” All the while when they were in India they sang the glory of their state, their language and their customs. Way to piss away all your traditions, asshole. Also, I don’t want to hear the term ‘back in India’. Everyone knows you’re in America. We got it from those status messages stating how you enjoyed your ‘first snow in New York’ and your pictures captioned with ‘My trip to the Grand Canyon’.

Their pictures of beaches: What’s it with beaches that makes them picture worthy? Land meets water… wow! Does everyone need to upload beach photos? You like beaches so much? GO TO GOA! What kind of a dumbass travels half way around the globe to see a beach when he can do the same at 10% of the cost. Another thing regarding beach photos – NOBODY WANTS TO SEE PICTURES OF BEACHES. I couldn’t stress on that enough. If I were desperate to see a beach within the constraints of a 1024x768 pixilated canvas, I’d google “beach pictures”. You know how much time I wasted? Damn this.